Almost 3 years later

On February 18, 2014 it will be three years since Bella passed. What surprises me the most about this is that she has been gone from this Earth longer than she lived. Yet the effects of her life and death still resonate on a daily basis in every aspect of my life.
Does it get easier they ask? It depends. Some days are easier than others. Coping methods improve. But the craving and aching to hold, touch and smell her still come to me just as strong on occasion. At the oddest of moments a wave of sadness will wash over me, so fresh as if it were yesterday that she was gone. Other days the world I live in now makes perfect sense and bedtime will come before she enters my mind. Yet she always enters. Every day.
Life has changed since that cold day in February that we laid her to rest. Would you find it strange if I said that some days it is for the better? Not her being gone but the world I live in now with a new set of eyes and ears, more clarity. More insight for what is important and what is not. Less tolerance for trivial matters, injustice and wrong doing. More compassion for others and finally more recently for myself. A part of me was buried with her on that day though. The part of my spirit that had always jumped into things head first with absolute confidence they would turn out okay. I can summon that spirit on occasion but struggle to incorporate it into my daily life like I did before. That is the only part of my old being that I still miss, perhaps in time it will return or I will learn to exist without it. I did gain an appreciation for the simple moments, just that very short moment in time be it 30 seconds or 30 minutes where all is right in the world around me. I have learned to recognize those, grasp onto them and etch them into my heart for safe keeping.
 I specifically requested a burial because I wanted to have a place to go that I could visit her. We chose a beautiful location that is easily accessible. Yet it is not always there that I find her. Sometimes still that only bring backs the memory of the final moments of laying her in the ground and it is too much. I find her now in the mountains, woods, creek or river. I find her in absolute silence and solitude. I find her while driving down the road and the sun is setting. Or on occasion in my son's laughter I can hear her laughing with him. I find her now as I type these words and she is like a warm blanket of comfort draping over me on this cold winter day. Is it enough they ask? At times it is absolutely enough, at others there is a longing for more....There are no definitive answers in the journey with grief, it is day by day and moment by moment and learning to live with "I don't know the answer to that" becomes okay.
I share my experience not as an expert or with the intent of providing answers, I share in hopes of providing comfort. Comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your journey with grief. Comfort in knowing that grief is not a clinical term or something that should have to be overcome. It is something to make peace with and to accept, allowing it to find a place in your life. Grief can be the tie that binds you for eternity.  Grief can be a love story, a love story with a variety of chapters, characters and endings. And a happy ending is attainable. Of this I am certain.