Today I am on the first day of a 3 day juice cleanse to kick start a pursuit of a more active and healthier life. I have read that you detox both emotionally and physically during this time. There is truth to this I am learning. Today it hit me. A moment of clarity that I must explore further by writing this post.
In short since the birth of Bella I have been unable to return to my career. I believe it is probably a combination of things: no longer finding fulfillment in what I did before, awareness of my obligations to live a more purposeful life and fear of failing if I try. What I did not recognize until today is that I am still hanging on to guilt. The guilt of moving forward without her. The guilt that if I allow myself to "go back to a normal life" it is a betrayal to her. The guilt that at one time I did not balance my work, personal and family life very well. The guilt that I was working on the day that I started having contractions and was admitted to hospital. Guilt can rear it's ugly head in the strangest of places. It can mask itself so well that you do not even know that it is present.
Almost 3 years later it is time to put the guilt to rest. Awareness is a start but now I must deal with it. Then I must take the leap....
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